Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Thoughts and Regrets

My life seems like it's at a standstill. Since I withdrew from the university to focus on getting better, days have been hopelessly boring. I sit on the couch all day either playing Sims 3 or aimlessly browsing the web. I fill out whichever job applications I can in hopes that someone will hire me before my financial situation becomes catastrophic. I go to sleep at 4 am and wake past noon. At least in school, there were things I could do if I was in the mood to. Here, there's almost nothing. I'm left alone with my thoughts, and that's almost always a bad thing.

I sometimes wonder if I could have made it through the rest of the semester had I chosen to stay. Maybe I could have been strong enough. What if I hadn't called to go to the hospital that day? I probably wouldn't have gone through with a suicide attempt, and I wouldn't have an ER bill looming over my head. I would have finished my sophomore year, and I'd probably be going back next month. Now, there's nothing. I can't even apply to transfer to other universities until I pay the $2,000 I owe for the financial aid refund. I'm stuck in a hole, and thinking about how far I dug myself in only brings me closer to breaking down.

Writing this helps only slightly. My situation won't get better after everything has been said. In the end, I can't fix things. I can only make new plans and hope that I someday soon I'm strong enough to go through with them.

I promise not all my posts will be depressingly reflective. Today is just one of those days.

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