Hello, World

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, social phobia, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. Simply put, I'm sad, shy, and scared most of the time. It was so bad that I dropped out of high school. I grew up loving to learn and having dreams of going to Ivy League schools. If you had asked someone close to me if I would ever drop out, the answer would have been a resounding "no." Yet here I was, a high school drop out at 17 having bimonthly visits to a psychiatrist and weekly appointments with a counselor. I thought my life was over.

Fast forward a couple years. I had gotten my GED and enrolled in the local college with a part-time job. I got straight As and was accepted into one of the best universities in the state. Everything seemed to be working out for me. My first semester at the university earned me a 3.83 GPA. I had made a couple good friends, and I was part of an amazing student organization that had given me opportunities to travel and be part of something bigger. A couple panic attacks had scarred me along the way, but I pressed on.

It didn't last. Following winter break, I came back to school with a different attitude altogether. I started giving up easily. I didn't care about myself, my grades, or anyone around me. I slept all day and stayed awake all night, trying to myself to attend class but usually failing to get out of bed. Depression sank back in. My addiction to self-injury returned after nearly four years of abstinence. I was forced back into therapy and medication. After spring break, I seriously considered killing myself. I ended up taking a very expensive trip to the hospital and realized I couldn't press on anymore. Within a week, I had withdrawn for the semester and would eventually decide to take a break for at least a year.

My decision to focus on myself had its consequences. I now owe over $3,000 between hospital bills and financial aid charges. Leaving the school meant losing access to my insurance and medication. I can't return to school or transfer to a new one because the university is holding my education hostage until I pay them. Yet I can't let any of that get in the way of making plans for a better life. I want to get a job, save money, buy a car and move out of state. I want to start a new life for myself instead of giving up. I've gone through a lot during my life, but I've realized something along the way. It's not always raining. Just because the weather sucks now doesn't mean it's always going to suck. Depression doesn't always affect me the same way if at all, and I think that's true for most people. I'm happier now than I have been, but still not as happy as I could be. That's what this blog is about. I want to use experience, both mine and others', to give people hope. I want to share things that have lifted my mood in hopes that it'll help someone else.

If you have something you'd like to share, email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com. If you just want to tell your story but don't want it to be put on the blog, feel free to email me anyway (just make sure to say it's private!)

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, 

within me, an invincible summer."

- Albert Camus