Tomorrow I have an interview at McDonalds. I'm absolutely terrified, and not just about the questions I'll be asked. I can't stop thinking about what will happen if I'm offered a job. I'm mostly anxious about screwing up. Most fast food places become incredibly busy and full of people who will eat your head if you so much as forget to put napkins in their bag (I speak from personal experience). I think about those drive-thru workers who have to do a million things at once and I panic. I really need a job, so if I'm offered one I obviously can't be picky. Then I start worrying about what will happen if they say no. My hair has been dyed an unnatural color and I have two lip piercings. For a lot of companies, that is a good enough reason to turn someone down for a job. I'm not going to dye my hair back or take out my piercings though. I like to pretend I'm doing it out of principle. The truth is I'm just stubborn.
I've had three interviews in my life. The first one, before the body mods, was at the community college I spent a year at. One of the longtime college employees used to be best friends with my aunt, so I put her down as a reference which pretty much got me the job. The second one was at Best Buy while I still had my first job at the college, and I bombed. I don't blame them for not giving me a call back. The most recent one was at Chipotle almost two weeks ago. Despite feeling like I did really well and being told to expect a call for a second interview, I still haven't heard back. That's so much worse than not being told anything. All that goes through my mind is, "What did I do wrong? Were they just trying to be polite?" Whatever I did, I hope I do better tomorrow. As much as I hate the prospect of working at McDonalds, I can't afford to be passed up on every opportunity I get. It's not good for me emotionally or financially.
The sad part is that even though all my anxiety is being channeled towards this interview, it'll still be there when it's over. If I get the job, I'll panic about that. If I don't, same outcome. I can't win with my anxiety. It tries to control me no matter how hard I fight back. One of these days I'll get better, or at least that's what I want to believe.
For now I'll just focus on tomorrow and hope that I don't get immediately turned down. If I can get past that, I think I'll be in a pretty good place.