Job Interview Anxiety

Tomorrow I have an interview at McDonalds. I'm absolutely terrified, and not just about the questions I'll be asked. I can't stop thinking about what will happen if I'm offered a job. I'm mostly anxious about screwing up. Most fast food places become incredibly busy and full of people who will eat your head if you so much as forget to put napkins in their bag (I speak from personal experience). I think about those drive-thru workers who have to do a million things at once and I panic. I really need a job, so if I'm offered one I obviously can't be picky. Then I start worrying about what will happen if they say no. My hair has been dyed an unnatural color and I have two lip piercings. For a lot of companies, that is a good enough reason to turn someone down for a job. I'm not going to dye my hair back or take out my piercings though. I like to pretend I'm doing it out of principle. The truth is I'm just stubborn.

I've had three interviews in my life. The first one, before the body mods, was at the community college I spent a year at. One of the longtime college employees used to be best friends with my aunt, so I put her down as a reference which pretty much got me the job. The second one was at Best Buy while I still had my first job at the college, and I bombed. I don't blame them for not giving me a call back. The most recent one was at Chipotle almost two weeks ago. Despite feeling like I did really well and being told to expect a call for a second interview, I still haven't heard back. That's so much worse than not being told anything. All that goes through my mind is, "What did I do wrong? Were they just trying to be polite?" Whatever I did, I hope I do better tomorrow. As much as I hate the prospect of working at McDonalds, I can't afford to be passed up on every opportunity I get. It's not good for me emotionally or financially.

The sad part is that even though all my anxiety is being channeled towards this interview, it'll still be there when it's over. If I get the job, I'll panic about that. If I don't, same outcome. I can't win with my anxiety. It tries to control me no matter how hard I fight back. One of these days I'll get better, or at least that's what I want to believe.

For now I'll just focus on tomorrow and hope that I don't get immediately turned down. If I can get past that, I think I'll be in a pretty good place.

Being Social With Social Phobia

Living with social phobia is extremely difficult at times. Previously referred to as social anxiety disorder, it can make doing everyday things nearly impossible. I used to have panic attacks on the way to school because I was terrified of how people would judge me. I moved around a lot, usually going to a new school each year. I would dread the first day of school. Going to lunch and having to find somewhere to sit when I didn't know anyone was my own personal hell. I would keep to myself as much as possible, quietly looking around to see if anyone was judging me. Someone was always judging me. At least that's how it felt.

Social phobia is a disorder that is characterized by excessive anxiety and fear of social situations where one may perceive that he or she is being judged by others. Some only suffer from social anxiety in specific situations, such as public speaking. Others, such as myself, suffer from generalized social phobia. Here are a few of my biggest triggers:

• public speaking, or almost anything that requires me to speak to people I don't know
• talking on the phone
• social gatherings where I don't know most of the people
• using public restrooms

When I would have to give speeches in class, my heart would start racing and skipping beats. My hands and voice would shake. Sometimes it was bad enough to make me cry. I was so scared that people were going to hate whatever I had to say. They would judge the way I looked. It's really an awful way to live.

Another condition which is similar (I would argue that I actually suffer from this and not just social phobia) is avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The main difference is that sufferers of AvPD are typically more sensitive to criticism, actively avoid social situations, have severely low self-esteem, and don't think that their fears are unreasonable because they truly believe themselves to be unlikable. I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I can almost guarantee that I suffer from this based on the criteria in the DSM-IV-TR (yes, diagnosing yourself is bad). 

So how does someone with social phobia be, well, social? It's difficult, to say the least. I tend to stick with people I know. Making new friends is hard because I can't usually force myself to talk to strangers, but once that barrier is broken, it's a lot easier. Anyway, here are some tips for people who have problems with social anxiety. 

• Stick with someone you know. Make it clear that you don't feel comfortable around people you don't know well. If you happen to be that friend, do not leave the person alone with the idea that forcing them to talk to strangers will help. All it will do is make them uncomfortable and possibly damage your friendship and trust.
• If you have a school assignment that requires you to do something in front of the class, ask your teacher if there is any way to do it in private. For example, in my junior year algebra 2 class, we had to come up with a song for the quadratic equation. I actually cried as she gave the assignment. After class, I let her know about my social phobia and she allowed me to perform it for her after everyone left. This is a really situational suggestion, but it's worth a shot.
• Breathe. This is just common sense. If you start to feel like you can't control your anxiety, take deep breaths. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. 
• Don't avoid the situation. I've gotten a bit better at forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, but I used to be really bad. My junior year, I missed 55 days of school before finally dropping out. Most of those were anxiety related. 
• Get help. Seek out a therapist who can help you overcome your fear. I haven't tried cognitive behavioral therapy, but I would be more than willing to give it a shot. There are medication options if necessary. Xanax can help in some situations, and some antidepressants have been approved for use with the disorder. See a psychiatrist if you think that medication might work for you.
• Do things with your closest friends. No one says you have to meet new people to be social. Spend time with people you're comfortable around. There will be opportunities to meet people when you're ready.
• Try meeting people online. Try a new MMO or a forum for something you love. A recent study published in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry* has shown that using the internet as a tool to overcome social phobia can be effective.

Social phobia doesn't have to ruin lives. It is merely an obstacle that takes time to overcome. What are your experiences with social anxiety? Comment or email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com with thoughts or suggestions!

* Titov, N., Gibson, M., Andrews, G., McEvoy P. (2009). Internet treatment for social phobia reduces comorbidity. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 43(8), 754-759.

Hello, World

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, social phobia, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. Simply put, I'm sad, shy, and scared most of the time. It was so bad that I dropped out of high school. I grew up loving to learn and having dreams of going to Ivy League schools. If you had asked someone close to me if I would ever drop out, the answer would have been a resounding "no." Yet here I was, a high school drop out at 17 having bimonthly visits to a psychiatrist and weekly appointments with a counselor. I thought my life was over.

Fast forward a couple years. I had gotten my GED and enrolled in the local college with a part-time job. I got straight As and was accepted into one of the best universities in the state. Everything seemed to be working out for me. My first semester at the university earned me a 3.83 GPA. I had made a couple good friends, and I was part of an amazing student organization that had given me opportunities to travel and be part of something bigger. A couple panic attacks had scarred me along the way, but I pressed on.

It didn't last. Following winter break, I came back to school with a different attitude altogether. I started giving up easily. I didn't care about myself, my grades, or anyone around me. I slept all day and stayed awake all night, trying to myself to attend class but usually failing to get out of bed. Depression sank back in. My addiction to self-injury returned after nearly four years of abstinence. I was forced back into therapy and medication. After spring break, I seriously considered killing myself. I ended up taking a very expensive trip to the hospital and realized I couldn't press on anymore. Within a week, I had withdrawn for the semester and would eventually decide to take a break for at least a year.

My decision to focus on myself had its consequences. I now owe over $3,000 between hospital bills and financial aid charges. Leaving the school meant losing access to my insurance and medication. I can't return to school or transfer to a new one because the university is holding my education hostage until I pay them. Yet I can't let any of that get in the way of making plans for a better life. I want to get a job, save money, buy a car and move out of state. I want to start a new life for myself instead of giving up. I've gone through a lot during my life, but I've realized something along the way. It's not always raining. Just because the weather sucks now doesn't mean it's always going to suck. Depression doesn't always affect me the same way if at all, and I think that's true for most people. I'm happier now than I have been, but still not as happy as I could be. That's what this blog is about. I want to use experience, both mine and others', to give people hope. I want to share things that have lifted my mood in hopes that it'll help someone else.

If you have something you'd like to share, email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com. If you just want to tell your story but don't want it to be put on the blog, feel free to email me anyway (just make sure to say it's private!)

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, 

within me, an invincible summer."

- Albert Camus