Warning Signs of Depression

My most recent episode of depression hit me like a truck back in January. It was steady but it came on fast. Because I had suffered from it before, I knew what was wrong almost immediately once it had occurred to me that something was wrong. The smart thing to do at that point would have been to seek counseling or a psychiatrist. Instead I let it rage on because I was too unmotivated to save myself. I think deep down I was prepared to self-destruct. Not only was I ready for it, I wanted it. The pain was so great that I would have done almost anything to make it stop forever. Getting treatment wouldn't keep it away. It would come back. It always came back.

Everyone should know what to look for. Sometimes depression just builds up over the years. Other times something happens that kicks the development into overdrive, such as a stressful life event. Whether fast or slow, here are the things to look out for:

• Sleeping too much or too little. -- I couldn't get out of bed. When I did, I stayed up all night because I couldn't fall back asleep no matter how tired I was.
• Eating too much or too little. -- I couldn't eat for a week or two at my worst. Other times I would stuff my face til I was a bite away from exploding.
• Fatigue -- My whole body was constantly tired. Just going to the bathroom took massive amounts of energy that I didn't have.
• Feeling worthless -- Everything I did felt like it was for nothing because I just wasn't good for anything. I didn't think I added much, if anything, to the world at that point.
• Feeling hopeless -- I felt like nothing was going to change. I was going to be cursed to a life of a depression, where nothing would ever get better because I wasn't motivated enough to try.
• Loss of interest -- Class didn't interest me. Video games didn't interest me. Hanging out with my friends was almost the last thing I wanted to do. The only thing I ever wanted to do was sleep.
• Thoughts of suicide -- Even just a quick, passing thought of how you'd be better off dead should be a warning sign. Recognizing these thoughts and, more importantly, confiding in someone else may end up saving a life.

Depression hits people of all ages, races, religions, and locations. If you think something is wrong, there is a good chance that you're right. Get help. You deserve to be happy.

Recovering As A Cutter

The following post may be triggering. If the topic of self-injury is offensive, uncomfortable, or triggering for you, please don't continue reading. Thank you.


When I was 13, I started cutting myself. My mom had just moved to Florida, and I was living alone with my dad for the first time. I remember trying to use a kitchen knife and completely failing. I would eventually start using scissors, then blades from pencil sharpeners. I continued cutting on and off for three years. The longest I had gone without cutting was 10 months before I quit for good. Or so I thought.

April 15th was to mark my fourth year since I quit cutting. I celebrated the milestone every year, and while I had urges, none were strong enough to get me to relapse. Then January came around. Depression hit me like a truck. The urges came back stronger than ever. I would grab my scissors and play around with the thought of starting again. Four years was so close. I couldn't do that to myself. February came. I started to bully myself. I told myself I was too weak to do it until finally I had pushed myself past my breaking point. It was a single cut. It didn't even feel that good. There was barely any relief. All I was left with was a scar that represented the four years that should have been. I was numb. I was never a huge believer in slip ups when it came to my own addiction to cutting. I didn't think of that cut as a one time thing. If I was going to throw away four years, I was going to make it count. For two months, I cut myself almost compulsively. I have scars up and down my left arm. Scars on my leg and thigh. I'm two months clean today. I should be proud of myself, but all I can think about is how it should be four years instead.

I've tried to help a lot of people recover from their own addiction to self-injury. Even though I still struggle with my own, there are things I have learned from my experiences. If you or someone you know struggles with self-injury, keep the following in mind:

• Recovery is a lifelong process. Self-injury is an addiction. You could go years without cutting, but that doesn't mean you're in the clear. I learned this the hard way. Take it one day at a time.
• Don't let a slip up ruin your recovery. How you count the days is up to you. If you reset back to 0 after a slip up, don't use that as an excuse to cut/burn/etc as much as you can before you quit again. I wish I would have realized this before I ended up with an arm full of scars, some of which might never really go away.
• Get help. Recovering is so much harder when you keep it to yourself. Seek out a therapist who can help talk you through it and find alternatives for when the urges strike.
• Find those alternatives. Have a plan to keep you from hurting yourself when you feel like you need to. Writing sometimes helps me when I feel like cutting. Maybe taking a red felt tip pen and drawing "scars" on your skin helps you by simulating a real cut. Do whatever it takes to keep you from injuring yourself.

Recovery is hard, but it's possible. What experiences do you have with self-injury? Thoughts? Leave a comment or email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com.

How to Be Happy: 4 Ways I Combat Depression

I've had my fair share of days where I couldn't get out of bed. I would sleep for as many as 16 hours and still end up taking a nap soon after. I'm sure there were many times when my roommate thought I was dead, and honestly speaking, I felt like I was. When I could get out of bed, it was hard for me to feel anything and I was too unmotivated to try. There are, however, at least four ways I was able to put a smile on my face even if for a little bit.

Hanging out with friends. 
I know this sounds counterintuitive to someone struggling with depression. The last thing I wanted to do when I was depressed was talk to my friends, let alone hang out with them. I alienated them so much that they were actually hurt and upset by it, and I felt awful knowing that I had done that to my friends. I had to force myself to do things with them, whether it was going out to eat or just going across the hall to their dorm room. When I did, though, I had a really good time. They were there for me if I wanted to talk about my problems, and they took my mind off things if I didn't. Whether we played Uno, studied for exams, or sat around and did nothing, I felt a lot better than I did when I was left alone to think about how much my life sucked. Even if the improvement was temporary, it was worth it.

Eating a food I love.
Food and sadness usually shouldn't mix, especially for someone like me who is heavy to begin with, but everyone needs to eat. Why not enjoy something you absolutely love? Familiar foods can be a great way to boost your mood. Whether you crave chocolate cake or delicious pasta (one of my favorites), indulging yourself may be one of the easiest ways to feel better when everything else sucks. If you're having appetite troubles (I barely ate for two weeks once my depression came back), this may be one of the harder things to accomplish. Try getting a small serving if that's all you can manage to eat. Just being able to taste something familiar and delicious will help your mood.

Writing for myself and others.
I love to write. Expressing myself and airing out my problems has helped me during my darkest times. Whether it's a blog post, a poem, or even just a tweet, it never fails to ease the burden and pain of depression for me. It doesn't have to be a public outlet. In fact, just writing for yourself is one of the best things you can do. I have pages upon pages of poems that have never been read. I haven't even read most of them apart from when I wrote them. It doesn't matter if you intend to show anyone; what matters is that you're taking your emotional pain and turning it into something you can understand. So go ahead and vent your frustrations. Write a blog, a poem, or a 160 character message about what's bothering you. Tell your story, even if it's only to yourself. If you do feel like sharing, I'd love to read what you have to say. Please leave a comment or email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com. It can be private, or I would be happy to share it on my blog. Just do yourself a favor and let it all out.


Listening to music.
This may be an obvious suggestion, but I think sometimes people underestimate the power of music. Everyone has different music that helps get them through rough times. Some people prefer happy, upbeat music that contrasts their feelings of hopelessness. Others, such as myself, prefer music that reflects how crappy they really feel. Whether you're listening to your favorite band or someone you've never heard before, finding songs that make you feel something in an otherwise bleak situation can be the difference between living with depression and recovering from it. One song that has really helped me as of late is "Porcelain" by Red Hot Chili Peppers from their album Californication. Whether you listen to music for the words or the melodies, do yourself the favor of finding something that helps you feel.

What do you do that helps you combat depression? Leave a comment or send an email. I'd love to hear from you!

Hello, World

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, social phobia, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. Simply put, I'm sad, shy, and scared most of the time. It was so bad that I dropped out of high school. I grew up loving to learn and having dreams of going to Ivy League schools. If you had asked someone close to me if I would ever drop out, the answer would have been a resounding "no." Yet here I was, a high school drop out at 17 having bimonthly visits to a psychiatrist and weekly appointments with a counselor. I thought my life was over.

Fast forward a couple years. I had gotten my GED and enrolled in the local college with a part-time job. I got straight As and was accepted into one of the best universities in the state. Everything seemed to be working out for me. My first semester at the university earned me a 3.83 GPA. I had made a couple good friends, and I was part of an amazing student organization that had given me opportunities to travel and be part of something bigger. A couple panic attacks had scarred me along the way, but I pressed on.

It didn't last. Following winter break, I came back to school with a different attitude altogether. I started giving up easily. I didn't care about myself, my grades, or anyone around me. I slept all day and stayed awake all night, trying to myself to attend class but usually failing to get out of bed. Depression sank back in. My addiction to self-injury returned after nearly four years of abstinence. I was forced back into therapy and medication. After spring break, I seriously considered killing myself. I ended up taking a very expensive trip to the hospital and realized I couldn't press on anymore. Within a week, I had withdrawn for the semester and would eventually decide to take a break for at least a year.

My decision to focus on myself had its consequences. I now owe over $3,000 between hospital bills and financial aid charges. Leaving the school meant losing access to my insurance and medication. I can't return to school or transfer to a new one because the university is holding my education hostage until I pay them. Yet I can't let any of that get in the way of making plans for a better life. I want to get a job, save money, buy a car and move out of state. I want to start a new life for myself instead of giving up. I've gone through a lot during my life, but I've realized something along the way. It's not always raining. Just because the weather sucks now doesn't mean it's always going to suck. Depression doesn't always affect me the same way if at all, and I think that's true for most people. I'm happier now than I have been, but still not as happy as I could be. That's what this blog is about. I want to use experience, both mine and others', to give people hope. I want to share things that have lifted my mood in hopes that it'll help someone else.

If you have something you'd like to share, email me at notalwaysraining@gmail.com. If you just want to tell your story but don't want it to be put on the blog, feel free to email me anyway (just make sure to say it's private!)

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, 

within me, an invincible summer."

- Albert Camus